Stone carvings to status updates

Obituaries in the digital age

Long before newspapers, typewriters, or web servers, people found ways to remember each other.

From wayside shrines to carving names in stone and oral epics of heroic feats, life stories have always worked their way into communal memories.

The obituary page in daily newspapers was yet another way of expressing that ancient impulse to remember the dead.

By the 18th and 19th centuries, early in the history of newspapers, broadsheets began announcing the deaths of public figures.

Soon, local papers began turning these death notices into small portraits of everyday lives.

In many towns, reading the obituary page was a ritual. Neighbors would open the newspaper to find out who had died and learn more about how they had lived.

These notices were more than just a way of tracking deaths. They helped communities stay rooted in a shared story.

Big newspapers like The New York Times made them an art form.

These obituaries celebrated lives in brisk prose that noted their virtues while shaping how we would remember them.

As print newspapers shrink or disappear, obituaries land on fewer doorsteps, and there are fewer chances for neighbors to share the news.

Obituaries still exist, of course, but in most cases they have scattered to funeral-home websites, social media posts, and digital memorial pages.

Online news sites are beginning to feature a few obituaries. But there’s still a feeling of loss as we give up what felt like a shared village witness.

And yet the turn toward digital obituaries give us a new opportunity:

We can tell our own story – or at least a draft of it.

We can shape the version we hope others will hear.

That’s a gift the old model rarely allowed.

A recent study analyzed 38 million U.S. obituaries over 30 years.

The authors used psychologist Shalom Schwartz’s framework of human values and found that two themes appeared most frequently: tradition and benevolence.

Tradition in this context means honoring customs, religious or cultural practices, and upholding the values and norms handed down to us.

Benevolence refers to caring for those nearest you, being loyal, dependable, and generous in small and large ways.

In other words, even across tens of millions of death notices, people were most often remembered not for success or fame, but for their community roots and their kindnesses.

Interestingly, the researchers also observed that major events and disruptions can shape obituaries:

• After 9/11, fewer obits mentioned security.

• After the 2008 financial meltdown, obits paid less attention to achievements.

• And during COVID-19, mentions of benevolence and kindness dropped and still haven’t fully rebounded.

This tells us something about the values our culture focuses on (or forgets) in hard times.

It also shows us how public memories can reflect our anxieties and moods.

So let’s consider this: Writing or even attempting a draft of our own obituary is not a morbid project.

It’s an exercise in clarity. It reminds us that we are part of a larger story.

When we write our own obituary, even a rough draft, we can see more clearly what others might notice – and how we live our life.

We have a chance to name the traditions we value and the people we love.

I like the idea of making this a ritual, an annual life review.

It’s a time for reflection, but it’s also a chance to step outside our daily concerns and consider a bigger picture.

Once a year, take a page and write the obituary of your life as it is now.

Imagine this exercise as a conversation between your present self and a future you, the person people will remember when you’re gone.

List the facts and the people who matter. Say what you care about and what you hope you leave behind.

And what a time for us to start this practice!

Every era brings uncertainty. But this one feels especially uncertain.

Familiar systems are shifting. We’re finding new ways to live, to remember, to tell our stories.

We’re all moving toward an ending we can’t quite see, through a landscape that seems to change by the hour.

That’s reason enough to pause and write down our stories.

Because ultimately, whether it’s carved in stone or posted online, every obituary, every life’s legacy, is a message to the living:

This is how I understood my time here. This is what I hope you’ll remember.